Belonging

Natalie Cheung, host of Yellow Bee Pod, writes about her thoughts on belonging and identity as a British ESEA woman.

When someone asks you about your ethnicity, have you ever hesitated to answer?

I know I’m British Born Chinese (BBC), British being my nationality and Chinese being my ethnic group. There shouldn’t be any arguments there but I still hesitate to call myself Chinese just as much as I hesitate to call myself British! My mum is from Malaysia but I don’t feel confident saying I’m Malaysian either.  Since growing up in a quiet town in the suburbs of London, I have had a complicated relationship with my Chinese identity. I didn’t feel I knew enough about Chinese culture while also not being seen as 100% British. I’ve felt the need to prove my identity to people. Leaning into the fact that I have an immigrant parent. I made jokes about how I’m a 'good Asian' (good at maths). I visit karaoke and bubble tea spots with my friends in a bid to connect with others from Asian diaspora.

I’ve felt rejected by other Chinese people for not knowing about Chinese customs and speaking the 'right language'. I have even felt left out among other British born Chinese people who spoke Cantonese with each other and laughed over their memories growing up in a takeaway which I didn’t experience.  Speaking about Asian American identity in 2020, actor John Cho said 'our belonging is conditional'. A recent quote from National Geographic really resonated with me, 'We’re acceptable, we’re never really accepted'. These quotes both relate to the Asian American experience but are certainly ones that I relate to as a British Asian. This seems to be a pretty common experience for ESEAs (East and South East Asians). Not feeling Asian enough for your family but not 'white' enough outside of your family home. 

“Visiting our Asian homeland and being seen as 'the English girl' or 'too foreign' but still being seen as different in your Western hometown due to our Asian physical features.”

Feeling torn as we can’t be our full selves with our families, nor with our friends or in workplaces and classes. We feel guilty for not knowing enough about our cultural heritage. Some of us have moved away from Asian culture naturally over time but some of us have deliberately moved away from it in an effort to fit in. In fact my family are proud of me for assimilating into the mainstream culture in the UK.

Have you ever called yourself a banana, a coconut, white-washed or similar? I look Asian but felt I wasn’t Asian on the inside. I compared myself to other people who I deemed to be ‘more Chinese’, using arbitrary markers to measure ‘Chinese-ness’: Can you speak a Chinese language well? That’s one point. Do you know the Chinese superstitions? Another point. Does your family celebrate Chinese holidays and festivals? One point for each. All points that I didn’t score myself.

“But this imaginary point system is just that: imaginary. I do not need to prove my Chinese identity to belong. Over the last few years, I have considered my ethnic identity a lot and have come on a whole journey to feel confident with my own identity.”

In a 2018 article about the then newly-created zine Daikon*, the media publication Gal-Dem observed that 'Mainstream explorations of East and South East Asian diaspora experiences are few and far between'. While there have been improvements since then, we still have a long way to go. 'In the UK, the discourse around East Asian cultures is very surface level and very superficial.'

I’m grateful to build an online community to support others who might feel isolated or not 'enough' with their Asian identity. With a newly developed sense of self-worth, confidence, identity and belonging, I won’t let others alienate me. We can end the tug of war between different cultures that leaves us in between, feeling not British enough while also not being Asian enough.

“Our identity is ours to define and may change over time. We are not split between two half-full glasses but have two full glasses (or more) with a beautiful fusion of cultures. Your identity can’t be taken away by other people or defined by arbitrary points of what it means to be Asian.”

We can benefit from rooting ourselves again in our own authentic identity, whether that’s within our home country, ethnic group, wider ESEA community or somewhere else! ESEAs are already thriving in different parts of UK life including technology, politics, the arts and more. Imagine how much more we can achieve if we got rid of the pressure to be 'Asian enough' or 'British enough'. I am enough! And it’s taken me too long to get to this point. Don’t let other people make you feel like you don’t belong. You are enough.

Natalie Cheung is an award-winning leader,  passionate about supporting underrepresented groups, especially in STEM (Science Technology Engineering and Maths) fields. Natalie hosts Yellow Bee Pod, a podcast to explore the highs and lows of the East and South East Asian diaspora experience. Connect on Twitter or Instagram!