Racism ended it: Picking ‘desirable attributes’ for a white workplace
by 美林 Mei Lam (pseudonym)
I am a first-generation immigrant from Hong Kong, and I have worked within the NHS for the last 10 years. Presently, I am a speech and language therapist working in a diverse borough in east London, with over two hundred community languages spoken locally. I entered the profession by accident to be honest; I've always been fascinated with language and wellbeing so I initially studied to become a psychologist! However, during a chance encounter at university, I met a course mate with cerebral palsy who shared how a speech and language therapist helped her to develop the ability to communicate - this inspired me. I volunteered, became a local support worker, and applied for the training course.
I threw myself into the training, where my course mates were predominantly white. As time went on, I became increasingly uncomfortable with the use of diagnostic tools and standardised assessments, which considered monolingual English speakers from a middle-class background as ‘the perfect score’ (e.g. a typical assessment will consider the sentence construct subject-verb-object to be accurate; deviations from this will mean you will not be scored, and will be deemed as ‘incorrect’). Although I raised these concerns, they were brushed off with comments like “Oh, you can get an interpreter to help ‘them’”. An interpreter will only get you so far since the scoring system is based on English, which means your communication skills are scored according to this norm.
I became increasingly uncomfortable with the use of diagnostic tools and standardised assessments, which considered monolingual English speakers from a middle-class background as ‘the perfect score’
I cringed but put these feelings aside as I was the only East and Southeast Asian (ESEA) woman (there was one other woman of colour) on the course, and those who I turned to (course mates and university friends) gave similar responses. I thought I was being ‘sensitive’ and ‘too critical’, so I continued absorbing the teachings from predominantly middle-class highly-educated white women who I assumed knew better. All trainees must complete practical placements within a clinical workplace and are assessed according to a framework. I made sure to appear professional - I altered my vowels, assimilated to what others were eating and wearing, and joined in during lunch time chit-chat about TV programmes – I pretended to be a white middle-class woman to pass my course.
I cringed but put these feelings aside as I was the only East and Southeast Asian (ESEA) woman […] I thought I was being ‘sensitive’ and ‘too critical’, […] I made sure to appear professional […] I pretended to be a white middle-class woman to pass my course.
Looking back, I could see that my parents subscribed to the model minority myth to survive in the UK. Growing up in the north of England, subscribing to this model and masking my authentic self, meant I slipped under the radar at school and generally avoided conflict. I was a prefect and highly praised for achieving the top 5 A-Level results at school. This was during the Blairite era where the mantra ‘Education, Education, Education’ and meritocracy was considered to be ‘the way out or up’. There was also a Chinese saying, ‘education will always be yours’, so I held onto these beliefs which meant I worked harder and harder to 'have a better life'. I winced as my peers made covert (and occasionally overt) racist jokes about my parents’ takeaway, my appearance and my 'strange ways'. I stayed quiet just to keep company and to not be lonely. Attending school in an ex-coal mining town (where they also voted one of the first British National Party Members in) is tough enough for an ESEA girl without being a loner too. I did not realise that I was also enrolled onto the hidden curriculum ‘how to be successful’ (white) at the time.
Perversely, these survival strategies meant I was successful in education, and was rewarded in my career. As I became more successful (although this has been at a slower pace than my white counterparts. For example, I achieved my current level of progression after 7 years of working, whereas I watched my white friends and colleagues reach the same level after 3-4 years), I also became increasingly aware of my voice and my desire to use the smallest amount of power I have to create space. I wanted to be someone who I wished was there to guide me through the hidden curriculum.
As a speech and language therapist, I feel privileged to work with non-verbal children from different heritages. Many families comment on how unusual it is to see a therapist from a BAME background. Trainees from a BAME background who I have provided placements for and am mentoring, have shared their appreciation for the opportunities created for them. My colleagues praised my 'creative' thinking and 'alternative' perspective when I shared links for a more diverse reading list and put forward ideas to purchase more diverse toys for children we work with. However, I was told that I was ‘unappreciative’ of how diverse our profession is compared to others when I shared concerns that our scoring systems and therapy outcomes centre middle-class monolingual English speakers as the ‘goal to be’, which disregards the many intersections within the community we serve. My response - comparing bad to worse is not the goal to strive for - and for that I am also called ‘abrupt’.
My colleagues praised my 'creative' thinking and 'alternative' perspective when I shared links for a more diverse reading list and put forward ideas to purchase more diverse toys for children we work with. However, I was told that I was ‘unappreciative’ of how diverse our profession is compared to others when I shared concerns that our scoring systems and therapy outcomes centre middle-class monolingual English speakers as the ‘goal to be’, which disregards the many intersections within the community we serve.
Critical thinking and reflections are actively encouraged in education; science moves forward as new evidence becomes known. Denial is an active choice. I learnt that workplace discourse is encouraged when it is palatable for white tastes, and conveniently ‘resolved’ with a bit of money and time. The common benchmark of ‘sharing food from our cultural backgrounds in a team meeting’ is a tick in the diversity box; done and dusted for another year. Ironically, this made me think about my parents and our takeaway; we were appreciated for our affordable food options and extensive labour, but backs were turned when we had smashed windows and racist graffiti. This is another example of picking and choosing a desirable aspect of one's culture, whilst ignoring the hardships and suffering within that community.
Over time, I learnt to pick my battles since the more I challenged white-centric viewpoints, the more ‘distasteful’ I was perceived to be.
With more financial means, I became an avid reader and listener of Black activist work around racial injustice. I am in the very early stages of learning, and forever grateful for the people before me; for their arduous work in helping me to understand myself, the context, and the systemic injustices in which I live. I began to recognise that the praise and criticisms directed at me came from another place.
I was not being sensitive – my subconscious was trying to tell me something to keep me safe
I was not ‘thinking too much’ or being ‘strange’ – my brain was trying to make sense of what was happening, how I felt and trying to tell me how to work through this
I was not being ‘rude’ towards, or ‘unappreciative’ of the NHS – my training and cultural background was telling me that the assessments we use demonise some communities for not measuring up to whiteness.
Raising these issues has affected my career prospects and relationships with work colleagues. Naively, I thought fellow Guardian readers and festival goers would be like-minded liberals. I have never experienced so many trapdoor moments of despair, or opportunities slipping away after I initiated these conversations. Ironically, I’d prefer to interact with members of the English Defence League; at least we know where we both stand.
It took me at least four months to decide to speak with my supervisor (who is also the service manager) about the uncomfortable discussions I have had with the team. Her responses were very disheartening, but not surprising:
“Oh, she’s quite young isn’t she – probably just lack life experience, she doesn’t mean anything by it”
“She grew up in the north of England – there may be less BAME people there”
“Oh gosh, everything is soooo white-centric nowadays” (in a sarcastic tone)
“Yeah, maybe they just didn’t know about it – maybe you can do a whole team talk about people of colour next time.”
My trauma responses are to freeze and then fawn. I reverted to my ‘white attributes’ – I am again praised for my ‘work-ethic’, ‘forward thinking’ and ‘strategic outlook’ for the service. At this point, I was just coasting and surviving.
A couple of months after my initial chat with my supervisor, I received a call from her saying, “a number of people in the team have said you have been ‘abrupt’, ‘rude’ and ‘unappreciative’, can you tell me what you did and how can you make it better?”. My heart for this job withered and I decided to gather my last ounce of resilience and look for a new role. Within three weeks, I was interviewed by a panel led by a Black woman with a background in mental health and trauma. She showed a care and reverence for her community which struck a chord with me, and I was ecstatic when she called me to offer me the job.
I received a call from [my supervisor] saying, “a number of people in the team have said you have been ‘abrupt’, ‘rude’ and ‘unappreciative’[…]”. My heart for this job withered and I decided to gather my last ounce of resilience and look for a new role. Within three weeks, I was interviewed by a panel led by a Black woman with a background in mental health and trauma. She showed a care and reverence for her community which struck a chord with me, and I was ecstatic when she called me to offer me the job.
When I told my manager that I had been offered another role and would be handing in my notice, she said “You know I appreciate your work-ethic, forward thinking and strategic outlook for the service. You have been a real creative mind on the team, and I value your alternative perspective”. I almost laughed. Then I stopped myself as I knew I needed a good reference from her. Being a person of colour in a white space means I always need to think a few steps ahead and there are consequences to what I do or say. I wonder if the same attributes will crop up in the reference?