Why is shyness (and quietness) viewed so differently in the East and the West?
by Sarah Reid
As a mother, I’ve noticed how shyness and quietness in children is often viewed by other parents as a problem. In playgrounds, you can often see shy children hiding behind their parents’ legs and taking time to interact with other children (if they interact at all). Their parents are quick to apologise profusely and exclaim how their child is “painfully shy” or “horribly quiet” with embarrassed grimaces and longing looks at other rambunctious children. Other parents in turn respond with consoling or pitying looks.
Our aspirations for our children often reflect our societies’ collective dreams. Ideal Western children are confident and talkative: crucial traits for achieving independence and assertiveness. This may stem from cultural values and philosophies from the times of the Ancient Greeks, where individualism and public speaking were highly valued. Shy behaviour is viewed positively or negatively depending on cultural values of the society. Since shy, quiet children in the West do not conform to Western cultural values, and if their peers, teachers, and families are unable or unwilling to accept and nurture their shyness, they are at a higher risk of lower academic performance in school, lower school attendance, poorer relationships with their peers, and weaker mental health. As many East and South East Asians (ESEAs) are labelled as shy (and quiet), this has huge implications in their development at school, the workplace, and developing relationships. Academic studies in Canada reveal that students of ESEA heritage self-report a substantially higher rate of shyness than students of European heritage. They also self-report higher levels of social anxiety, introversion, and unassertiveness.
Shyness in the West is misunderstood, maligned, or ignored. It is characterised as a trait that causes tension, discomfort and inhibition in the presence of other people. The trigger appears to be being put in unfamiliar situations or meeting new people. Shy people can be restrained, wary, and fearful. Shy people often enjoy the company of others, particularly close friends and family; they are relaxed, confident, and communicative in their presence. However, in unpredictable environments, they are torn between a desire to approach and to avoid others; their behaviour reflects this.
In Asian societies, with predominant collective philosophies such as Confucianism, Buddhism, and Taoism, shy children’s restraint and wariness are often seen as signs of social maturity. Shy behaviour can be interpreted as a sign of respect to their teachers, families, and peers. Being shy and quiet has positive associations with academic achievement, psychological well-being, and social competence. I was born in Singapore and moved to Hong Kong for primary school. Growing up in Asia, I noticed that being shy and quiet was considered perfectly normal - and sometimes embraced. Shy students in my international class were praised for their good listening skills and being considerate of their peers. In China there is a saying, “the more you talk, the more mistakes you make”. In my international class, students were conscious of not talking for the sake of it; if they had nothing substantial to add, they would remain silent. However, Western friends who have taught in China felt frustrated that their classes were largely silent, and that it was challenging to encourage the students to voice their opinions and thoughts.
In the West, shyness is perceived as rudeness and quiet people are considered dull. In Pride and Prejudice, Mr Darcy’s shyness is misunderstood. He often causes offence when meeting new people, as he lacks the ability to make them feel at ease in his company. Being confident and chatty is also seen perhaps as a marker of gentility and belonging to the upper class. Being schooled in this art of small talk may also be a marker of education. Private schools are known for their debating societies, but also for cultivating entertaining “banter” and being able to “sing for your supper” at dinner parties. Quiet Asian friends in the UK have found it challenging to navigate the cultural bias towards being chatty. For example, Helen* was penalised in her performance review because she does not speak at every meeting. “Playing the game”, as her colleagues do, has led to comments being repeated, or minutes wasted through long dialogues. Her verbose colleagues are remembered and appreciated by management. Helen, on the other hand, found the rambling inconsiderate and nonsensical. For Song*, navigating group dynamics after work at the pub was testing, as she noticed all her colleagues were speaking over each other and shouting to be heard. Song just watched, a little bemused as to how anyone would ever be able to listen in the ongoing cacophony. She felt like Wednesday Addams at an enthusiastic Summer Camp, forced to adopt a chatty persona in order to fit in and progress in a work environment, in which conforming to this outgoing personality is key to professional success.
Being quiet or more introverted in the workplace in the West has ramifications on one’s career trajectory, as it can lead to lower chances of promotion and being less likely to be placed in leadership positions, according to a a Harvard Business Review study. However, the study concludes that in dynamic and unpredictable environments, quiet bosses are more effective leaders, as they listen more carefully and are more open to suggestions. Given that ESEAs in the UK already experience fewer opportunities for career progression, are under-represented in senior positions, and are generally scarce in certain industries, this - coupled with shyness - could potentially hold back ESEAs even further.
Whilst Asian women in the West are seen as “the model minority” (intelligent and hardworking), they are also considered to be deferential and low in social skills. Despite Asian Americans being the best-educated and highest-earning major racial group, they are not fairly represented at management and executive levels. This could be a throwback to the legacy of how Asian female migrants in the West in the 19th century were often viewed: submissive and docile creatures who attended to the needs of white men.
ESEAs may also be perceived as shy in environments where they are the minority, due to power dynamics and structural inequalities. This can extend to veering away from speaking up to assert boundaries and to having difficult conversations. UK-based Filipinos had the largest death rate from Covid-19 in the NHS (22%). While the causes are largely due to institutional discrimination and socio-economic conditions, labelling Asians as quiet and shy, as well as the collective mentality around deferring to authority, may have been a small but significant factor that led to this death toll. Kanlungan, a charity that supports Filipino migrants, received many reports from Filipino nurses that they were deliberately assigned to the Covid-19 wards, while English nationals were able to work in the non-Covid wards. Perhaps the managers thought Filipino staff would be more compliant and less likely to speak up about it. Andrea Martinez, a director at Kanlungan, suggested that the Filipino concept of kapwa, or shared identity, which governs Filipino interaction, such as putting oneself in the shoes of another person and not wanting to offend, may explain why Filipinos are perceived as shy or quiet in the workplace.
There may be shy people in the West looking for ideas and suggestions on how to thrive in environments that require them to speak up, communicate, and lead in vocal and individual ways. Shy friends have found finding structured outlets that build on communication skills and being in groups useful: engaging in “speaking out in a corporate setting” workshops, joining debating societies, and taking part in singing and drama classes. Studies have shown that art psychotherapy has also been useful in reducing anxiety and building confidence for children and adults to communicate. But perhaps this approach is problematic, as it still reinforces the idea that being shy and quiet is not acceptable. There are times and situations where it is problematic, dangerous, and life-threatening. Equally however, organisations and institutions need to radically rethink how they can support shy and quiet individuals and see the benefits they bring to schools, workplaces, and communities. In my own experience as a shy quiet woman, these traits have helped me to listen deeper and gain an understanding of group dynamics. Some of the funniest people I know are shy and quiet, but their humour is so sharp, honed by their powers of close observation and wry insight. As the author Haruki Murakami said: “deep rivers run quiet.”
Sarah was born in Singapore to a Filipino mother and an Anglo-Scot father. She spent her childhood in Hong Kong, leaving after the Handover in 1997 to attend an all-girls boarding school in Berkshire. Sarah is an art psychotherapist and also works for a charity that supports migrants. She lives in London with her family.
Twitter: @SarahReidGB
Instagram: @sarahreidhkldn